Mazes of the Mind

That's the main underlying feeling in my existence these days. Just the desire to run and get away. From what? I'm not too sure. Just, people, I guess. Or more specifically, humans. I've realized that I love people, but I hate humans. Humans in general suck, they're noisy, annoying, vapid, empty... But people are nice. People are good. They're friendly, warm, welcoming, original, real. There just aren't enough people amidst all these humans.

I'm reaching that breaking point again. Where everything has me being jumpy, I'm anxious and jittery. Everything sets me off or makes me angry. Especially just humans. Anybody coming in to the library at work, their mere presence, angers me. For no other reason than that they are there. That's not normal.

I just want things to change, but I'm stuck waiting. I'm seriously thinking about a new path, involving different work, but I would need someone who owns a home to co-sign for me and I don't know anybody who owns a house. Feh. I don't know what I'm going to do if that's something they really, really need. I'm meeting with people about this next Tuesday... we'll see.

I'm trapped here for another two and a half hours... then I can go home. I can't wait to just be back in my apartment. Even if I am in a state where the cat simply meowing stresses me out, at least I wouldn't have to deal with humans. Plus I can smoke and relax and play video games - which for some reason I am apparently amazing at while stoned - and... imagine things aren't as they are.

Life sucks. Blah.

This meme of sorts has been taken from two lovely ladies, who, while not on Dreamwidth, have totally awesome blogs. They are The Girl Who Married a Bear and A Cup Full of Sunshine. Both are kind of life/fashion/vintage blogs and I love them to bits, so check them out!

If I was a month, I'd be June.

That's what my mom calls a brilliant idea, a Brainwave. Anyway, I think I just had one! It was a roundabout way of getting to it, but still, brainwave nonetheless. What am I babbling about? Why, hand crafts of course! Which is what started this whole thing actually.

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I got this idea from dee_groovy, which is really just something from LJ, that she posted a while back, and I just kinda feel like doing this now, for the hell of it...

"If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to your younger self?"

1. Go out more! Call your friends! Enjoy your carefree time as a teenager while you can!

2. Whatever you do, DO NOT talk to jmjm129 if he messages you on Yahoo Messenger!

3. Really think things through before applying to colleges... because being a Library Technician might not be all it's cracked up to be.
 
4. Listen to your dad. He might make you mad sometimes, and hurt your feelings, but he only has the best for you in mind. In the end, he's the only person who'll always ever be there for you, and know you can depend on him.

5. Don't be afraid to take risks, to take chances. The worst that can happen is you fail, and learn from your mistakes, and become a better person. Not trying means you lose out on so many opportunities, and time that you'll never get back.

6. Don't lie, because your life, like a house built on a foundation of lies will be unstable, unsafe, and bound to crumble.

7. Exercise! Don't just hate your body and the way you look, DO something about it! And for pete's sake girl, stop cutting your hair!

8. No man is worth hating yourself, or suffering over. You and only you are the one that matters most in your life and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

9. Learn from your father, because he knows a lot of useful stuff and he's happy to show you. And spending time with him is going to be something you'll wish you'd done more often once you get older.

10. Don't be afraid to love. Love hurts, yes, but a loveless life is far worse than a life with temporary pain from love. Love freely, love deeply, and love truly, and your life will be the better for it.

It is exactly half past midnight as I start to type this. My apartment is silent. I can clearly hear the ticking of the clock behind and above me. The hum of my laptop fan, and the fridge in the nearby kitchen. The loudest sound here is indeed the clicking of the keys on my keyboard.

I'm in one of those moods. Those, thoughtful moods. Ones that, if I don't keep them in check, will usually lead me to tears. I haven't cried in a very, very long time. I don't know if I can anymore, though.

This is just one of many Fridays that I've found myself spending alone lately. And tomorrow night will likely be no different. I don't mind the solitude usually, as there are really very few people out there that I actually want to be around. But those few that I do want to be around... their absence is all the more apparent.

Especially one person in particular. I know he'll never read this, not unless I show it to him. Which, if I see him again any time soon, I wouldn't mind doing. So if you're reading this Matt... hang on tight because this is going to be a wicked little bit of writing. Straight to the deepest depths of my brain and back. You said you wanted everything... this is it, because I'm thinking of you, man.

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