Dear self-existence

[spiderwoman]

What gives? You have the exterior semblance of being totally awesome. I mean, I have everything I could possibly want to be happy. A stable, permanent, well paying job. A home of my own that I do not have to share with any other repulsive form of human life. More pets than I can poke a stick at (however, no pet poking, that's not nice). Freedom to do as I please and the money with which to do it.

And yet I still languish in some strange state of semi-depression and slothfullness. I have little motivation to actually do anything. Or those things I want to do, I cannot due to circumstances out of my control.

I've also noticed that my temper and short patience are returning... things like the sound of a woman's high heels, or my cubicle-neighour's mumbling gets me ridiculously and pointlessly angry.

I dread coming in to work, and the horrific reality that I'm going to spend the next 30-35 years of my life, five days a week from 8am to 4pm coming in to a place to do work that means nothing to me and does nothing for my life is fucking depressing.

I am going to spend the 'best years of my life' in some climate controlled building, wasting precious hours and days that I will never have again! I'm stressing out about this and I haven't even lived those hours to waste them yet!

And don't you come tell me to go back to school or get another job... in this economy? Yeah right. That would be the equivalent of jumping out the window from the 11th floor here.

The only time I'm ever actually excited and not in some neutral mind set, is when I have something to look forward to. Like seeing a friend in the afternoon, or picking up a certain item I've been waiting for, and usually only if it's a day or two away. Otherwise? What the fuck is there to be enthusiastic about when all there is to look forward to is a repeat of last week, and next week, and the week three fucking years from now most likely. Wake, work, home, sleep, wake, work, home, sleep, wake, work... kill me.

Am I going through a mid-life crisis at 20?

Serious post is serious... two in a row, what am I thinking?

But in less doom-and-gloom news... I think I'm being dragged along to a spa on Wednesday to go get a manicure and junk like that. My friend asked me to go and since I'll try anything once... eh, why not.

I had a pretty darned busy weekend. Friday I did my usual laundry - when the laundromat is nice and empty - and came home and took a shower, helped Tina bring my old TV down since I have a new one and gave it to her, and just mellowed out for a bit. Saturday - after a shitty morning of half sleep because my downstairs neighbour thought it would be a brilliant idea to blast lame music at 7:45am - I walked to the Rideau Centre and did some errands, and bought some really pretty long summer dresses at the Fairweather. I also picked up the new Heaven and Hell CD, because I love Black Sabbath even if they're not aloud to call themselves that. I got some more Carolans because I was about to run out and I love that stuff in my coffee. It's the only reason I buy it.

Then I bussed out to my friend Tina's, returned the sunglasses she'd forgotten at my house the night before, and picked up the bicycle her boyfriend Dustin had gotten for me. Then I walked the bike all the way back to Bank and Somerset and left it at a bike shop to get some new tires and the chain cover put on. I am looking forward to having my bicycle... even if I stupidly never actually got on it so I don't even know if it's the right size XD I'm so smart...

I also made a batch of moose jerky Saturday night. I had a huge ass moose roast in my freezer, and living alone, I knew I would never eat the entire thing if I thawed it. So, I made it into jerky. Tasty, long lasting, and a good use of an otherwise awkwardly huge amount of meat.

Speaking of Saturday night... I wound up leaving the house a little after midnight to meet up with my friend Zac. I didn't feel like sitting around alone all night again and he wasn't up to anything either so we went out for Pho. It was fun to see him again, since now that he's moved to Gatineau, I don't see him all that much. Then again I didn't see him all that much before when he lived in Westboro either so... heh.

We realized that we started dating a year ago today... kinda funny. Zac was my best male friend for the longest time and even though we dated for two months, we're still amazing friends. I refuse to let silly things like relationships ruin friendships. Which is why I'm still wonderful friends with my two last exes, Zac and Gavin. Oddly enough, the very few males friends I do have, I have either dated, or have wanted to date me haha...

Anyhow, then on Sunday I did all my typical Sunday things, like dishes and vacuuming and taking out all the trash. I also cleaned out the litter box and the rat cage because it was getting stinky. I went shopping for a bit of groceries and some pet supplies and spent over twice as much on the animals as I did myself haha... There's 8 of them though, and 1 of me... that's kind of bound to happen I suppose.

And I don't know what did it... but all my muscles were so sore yesterday, and still are. I feel like I've been working ridiculously hard or something... but I haven't? I don't quite get it. Maybe it was all the walking and stuff carrying and... I don't know. Eh. So long as it means my muscles are getting stronger.

I really want to work out and get stronger, lose some fat and gain some muscle. I don't like being weak and living in the city these last few years has made me go a little soft. I'm eating lots of salad though, and trying to lay off unhealthy foods... if you have any tips on weightloss/muscle gain/yummy healthy foods, I'd love to hear them!

Cheers!