spiderwoman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spiderwoman) wrote2009-11-21 11:39 am
spiderwoman) wrote2009-11-21 11:39 am
Where did I go?
I keep getting worse at this regular updating thing, don't I? Because it's been almost four weeks since my last post. And that's really a shame... So much has been going on in my life, and yet really nothing at all. It's not like I haven't had the time to post, I've spent hours at home just sitting around watching movies or gaming, or not really doing anything at all. And well, I always have time at work, goodness knows. But I haven't even been coming to read other people's posts. It's like I kind of fell off the face of the Dreamwidth Earth. But I've been doing the same thing to my friends in real life too so I guess that kind of pardons it?
I don't actually feel like updating you guys completely, probably because I've been making some big changes in my life lately, and those sort of overshadow any of the other smaller things I've been up to. I can feel myself changing into a new person. Like a caterpillar finally figuring out how to make a cocoon, and trying its best to come out as a gorgeous butterfly. Or perhaps a moth. I think I'm more of a moth really. Besides, I like moths better, heh.
But what are these big changes you ask? (or not, I'm just self-centered enough to assume you want to know) Well, two days ago, I gave my official resignation from my place of work. I'm not certain how much I've mentioned about my work, but I currently have a permanent position in a library with the government of Canada. Basically, if I stayed, I would be set for life. And instead, I am resigning, without being too certain what it is I want to do with myself. Big change indeed.
I've stated my last date of work will be January 29th, 2010. And to be frank, that day cannot come any faster. I am absolutely miserable where I work right now. I hadn't actually planned on giving my resignation when I went in to work on Thursday, it was sort of spur of the moment. But I was sitting at my desk, grumbling to myself about how much I hate my job, when it donned on me that I've been feeling like this for months. That's not cool. It made me realize that this feeling was not going to go away. It was not just a phase. And that I had to do something about it. So I made the meeting with my superior, and informed her of my resignation. And I haven't looked back since. I just want to future to happen, for things to change.
I'm beginning to see that I am a person who thrives on change. It's funny, because for the longest time, all I wanted was stability and safety in life, and this job definitely gives me that. But it was too much. The nature of my position meant that I could only progress so far, and it also meant that I would be doing the same thing for the next thirty odd years of my working life. And that really frightened me.
I'm not saying I want everything to be unknown, to be a risk. Hardly. I still like some stability. I like that I have a dependable roof over my head, and that I don't have to worry about making the phone bill and rent, or being able to buy milk. I've been through that, and it's not pleasant and I don't ever want to let that happen to me ever again. But I would like to do something with myself that doesn't make me feel like just another lump of clay, molded to resemble the thousands of others around myself.
I know I won't find that right off the bat, but it's not like I was going to get it staying where I was either. I actually already have an interview on Tuesday, for a job in an inbound call center. Nothing glamorous, and its also going to be a pretty repetitive job, but the pay is good and the hours mesh perfectly with my library job and it would make a great 2nd job for the moment, and a still-great steady job once the library work is done.
I'm a bit saddened because it feels like nobody is supporting me in what I'm doing. Yes, it is a big move. Yes, to some, it seems pretty stupid. But I was miserable, and what's the point of being here on this planet if our entire existence is misery, by our own doing? Willingly staying at that job is willingly being miserable. And I will not be a lamb led to slaughter by my own hands. I've had some very morbid thoughts in the last while and I know those are out of character for me, and I know they are because of this job, and I refuse to let something stupid like a job send me over the edge.
I've had people suggest I wait it out at this job until I figure out what I want to do with myself. But I don't know how long that will be. And the longer I stay there, the greater the tole is going to be on me. I've had others tell me to try and find the highest paying job I can, because life is horrible without lots of money. But you know, this current job is paying me loads more money that I've ever had in my life, and I'm still horribly miserable. Yeah, money is nice. But I'd rather have my sanity and peace of mind instead, and have just enough money to get me by comfortably without worry.
The fact that everybody I know seems to have accepted the mantra that we must work and be unhappy, and then maybe have a few years to relax if wer're lucky, and then die... It makes me sad for them. Life is what you make of it. Just because society says we must go to school and become bakers, butchers and candlestick makers and then die after a lifetime of doing that craft - whether we like it or not - doesn't mean it's the best thing for us. There is nobody standing over us with a gun pointed to our heads, forcing us to work desk jobs the rest of our lives. We are our own masters and our lives are in our hands. And yet most people just lie down and let society walk all over them.
A very dear friend of mine has been working his job for over a decade now, and he admits that he does not like his job. He comes home from work tired and worn, not from the work in itself, but from doing work that he does not enjoy. That takes a tole on a person. I do not want to become another tired, compliant drone, working my life away at a task that does not speak to me.
Now, I don't know what it is exactly that I want to do with myself. I have to admit I really have no clue. Someday I would like to open a pet store, but that's a long time away, years in fact. And as much as I like baking and cooking, I am not in a position to spend $50,000 to go to l'École Cordon Bleu here in Ottawa. It only takes a year to get the Grand Diplôme Professionel, but that's a year I don't have to give at the moment. I need to work. But maybe someday.
Anyway... the whole point behind this long ramble was that I have taken the first big step in my life to try and find myself and what it is I want to do with my life. Maybe I won't do just one thing. Maybe I'll constantly be changing forever more. And you know what? Whatever happens, I welcome it. There's no point in being afraid of the future, because the future is what you make of it. And I plan on mine being very successful and full of enjoyment.
Cheers!
I don't actually feel like updating you guys completely, probably because I've been making some big changes in my life lately, and those sort of overshadow any of the other smaller things I've been up to. I can feel myself changing into a new person. Like a caterpillar finally figuring out how to make a cocoon, and trying its best to come out as a gorgeous butterfly. Or perhaps a moth. I think I'm more of a moth really. Besides, I like moths better, heh.
But what are these big changes you ask? (or not, I'm just self-centered enough to assume you want to know) Well, two days ago, I gave my official resignation from my place of work. I'm not certain how much I've mentioned about my work, but I currently have a permanent position in a library with the government of Canada. Basically, if I stayed, I would be set for life. And instead, I am resigning, without being too certain what it is I want to do with myself. Big change indeed.
I've stated my last date of work will be January 29th, 2010. And to be frank, that day cannot come any faster. I am absolutely miserable where I work right now. I hadn't actually planned on giving my resignation when I went in to work on Thursday, it was sort of spur of the moment. But I was sitting at my desk, grumbling to myself about how much I hate my job, when it donned on me that I've been feeling like this for months. That's not cool. It made me realize that this feeling was not going to go away. It was not just a phase. And that I had to do something about it. So I made the meeting with my superior, and informed her of my resignation. And I haven't looked back since. I just want to future to happen, for things to change.
I'm beginning to see that I am a person who thrives on change. It's funny, because for the longest time, all I wanted was stability and safety in life, and this job definitely gives me that. But it was too much. The nature of my position meant that I could only progress so far, and it also meant that I would be doing the same thing for the next thirty odd years of my working life. And that really frightened me.
I'm not saying I want everything to be unknown, to be a risk. Hardly. I still like some stability. I like that I have a dependable roof over my head, and that I don't have to worry about making the phone bill and rent, or being able to buy milk. I've been through that, and it's not pleasant and I don't ever want to let that happen to me ever again. But I would like to do something with myself that doesn't make me feel like just another lump of clay, molded to resemble the thousands of others around myself.
I know I won't find that right off the bat, but it's not like I was going to get it staying where I was either. I actually already have an interview on Tuesday, for a job in an inbound call center. Nothing glamorous, and its also going to be a pretty repetitive job, but the pay is good and the hours mesh perfectly with my library job and it would make a great 2nd job for the moment, and a still-great steady job once the library work is done.
I'm a bit saddened because it feels like nobody is supporting me in what I'm doing. Yes, it is a big move. Yes, to some, it seems pretty stupid. But I was miserable, and what's the point of being here on this planet if our entire existence is misery, by our own doing? Willingly staying at that job is willingly being miserable. And I will not be a lamb led to slaughter by my own hands. I've had some very morbid thoughts in the last while and I know those are out of character for me, and I know they are because of this job, and I refuse to let something stupid like a job send me over the edge.
I've had people suggest I wait it out at this job until I figure out what I want to do with myself. But I don't know how long that will be. And the longer I stay there, the greater the tole is going to be on me. I've had others tell me to try and find the highest paying job I can, because life is horrible without lots of money. But you know, this current job is paying me loads more money that I've ever had in my life, and I'm still horribly miserable. Yeah, money is nice. But I'd rather have my sanity and peace of mind instead, and have just enough money to get me by comfortably without worry.
The fact that everybody I know seems to have accepted the mantra that we must work and be unhappy, and then maybe have a few years to relax if wer're lucky, and then die... It makes me sad for them. Life is what you make of it. Just because society says we must go to school and become bakers, butchers and candlestick makers and then die after a lifetime of doing that craft - whether we like it or not - doesn't mean it's the best thing for us. There is nobody standing over us with a gun pointed to our heads, forcing us to work desk jobs the rest of our lives. We are our own masters and our lives are in our hands. And yet most people just lie down and let society walk all over them.
A very dear friend of mine has been working his job for over a decade now, and he admits that he does not like his job. He comes home from work tired and worn, not from the work in itself, but from doing work that he does not enjoy. That takes a tole on a person. I do not want to become another tired, compliant drone, working my life away at a task that does not speak to me.
Now, I don't know what it is exactly that I want to do with myself. I have to admit I really have no clue. Someday I would like to open a pet store, but that's a long time away, years in fact. And as much as I like baking and cooking, I am not in a position to spend $50,000 to go to l'École Cordon Bleu here in Ottawa. It only takes a year to get the Grand Diplôme Professionel, but that's a year I don't have to give at the moment. I need to work. But maybe someday.
Anyway... the whole point behind this long ramble was that I have taken the first big step in my life to try and find myself and what it is I want to do with my life. Maybe I won't do just one thing. Maybe I'll constantly be changing forever more. And you know what? Whatever happens, I welcome it. There's no point in being afraid of the future, because the future is what you make of it. And I plan on mine being very successful and full of enjoyment.
Cheers!