spiderwoman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spiderwoman) wrote2009-05-30 12:31 am
spiderwoman) wrote2009-05-30 12:31 am
Entry tags:
Night thoughts
It is exactly half past midnight as I start to type this. My apartment is silent. I can clearly hear the ticking of the clock behind and above me. The hum of my laptop fan, and the fridge in the nearby kitchen. The loudest sound here is indeed the clicking of the keys on my keyboard.
I'm in one of those moods. Those, thoughtful moods. Ones that, if I don't keep them in check, will usually lead me to tears. I haven't cried in a very, very long time. I don't know if I can anymore, though.
This is just one of many Fridays that I've found myself spending alone lately. And tomorrow night will likely be no different. I don't mind the solitude usually, as there are really very few people out there that I actually want to be around. But those few that I do want to be around... their absence is all the more apparent.
Especially one person in particular. I know he'll never read this, not unless I show it to him. Which, if I see him again any time soon, I wouldn't mind doing. So if you're reading this Matt... hang on tight because this is going to be a wicked little bit of writing. Straight to the deepest depths of my brain and back. You said you wanted everything... this is it, because I'm thinking of you, man.
I've been told I am both ridiculously simple, and horribly complex. That I am a shallow, thoughtless, cruel person... and yet the most thoughtful, giving, caring person too. Truth being, I'm both. My surface character is a very simple person, my vanguard personality against the outside world. Strong, brutal, independent. A loner. People can't hurt me if I keep them at arm's length. And Gods know I've been hurt enough to want to avoid that.
I think there's only really one person who I allow to see deep inside of me. To whom I am completely open, completely truthful, completely... complete. That person, would be my friend Tina. I met her a year ago, almost to the day. I started a job and she worked there too, and I remember thinking she seemed really odd, but also really cool. I wanted to get to know her - she was the only person even near my age in that workplace for one thing - but I was worried I would bother her. Eventually though, I opened up a little and one thing leading to another, we started spending more time together outside of work.
This turned into probably my most cherished friendship, the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life. And that is saying a lot. I've been... friends with enough people. But this goes deeper than that. I never saw any need to camouflage any part of myself around her. I never felt like she was judging me, or looking down on me. I gave my all to her. And in return she gave back in friendship and love.
If there's any one person in this city I'd put my life on the line for, this would be she.
I've always had a really tough time opening up to people. Whenever I did, they usually found something to dislike, to reject me for. And I have been rejected for many a thing. After a while, being pushed away because you're not quite as feminine, or because you're not obsessed with makeup or shit like that, just becomes everyday, totally normal. Why would I want to know those people anyway, right? But I've been rejected, tossed aside, by the very people I had thought would be there for me, for things that were completely out of my control anymore.
I'm not going to go into detail about it because I would be here for a very long time, but the last few years I lived with my parents were really rough years for me. It was a shitty time at home, issues with my parents, issues at school... issues with myself. I did stupid things. I was turning away the few people who seemed to tolerate me, and making those who loved me turn against me with my actions that seemed to be against them. I'm not proud of who I was back then. It's a part of my life I like to leave behind and not really mention. The skeleton in my closet, I guess. One of several.
Anyway, during those years, when I was 16 specifically, something in particular happened that marked me for the rest of my life. I'm only 20 now, but I know that that event will continue to haunt me until the day I die. You told me once that you have to bring things out in the open to help get over them. I buried that body years ago, and I'm doing my best to avoid stepping on the grave. I don't think digging it up is going to help me any. This hurts enough as it is.
Someone hurt me. Very badly. Someone that I, in my youthful innocence, had thought was there to help me. They used me, body and mind. My body healed quickly... but there's a horrific scar on my soul left behind that I know will never fade. My aggressive behavior, and anti-social ways are my way of hiding that scar and making certain nobody ever gets that close to me again. I kinda failed though, because barely two years later, I let another person into my life that hurt me just as bad.
That would be my ex-boyfriend, actually. The whole story behind that is an entire other kettle of fish, so I won't go into that either. But needless to say, he also abused me in much the same way. My body and my mind were at his mercy for a long time. A year I lived with him. A year and more I spent loving him, even when he clearly was only out to hurt me. I'm a sucker for punishment I guess...
There's another scar deep inside me left by that boy. I say boy because I certainly can't call him a man.
It took me months to get over what happened though. When someone you love with your entire being, someone who you have wrapped your existence around, doesn't even care enough to keep a roof over your head... that really fucks with your mind. I spent months floating around, just going through the motions, trying to find myself again. I had to completely reconstruct who I was and what I was living for because I had lost my previous reason for living.
I learned the hard way that relationships only work when both people are willing to put effort into it. No matter how hard I try, if the other person doesn't contribute, it's just not gonna work. It doesn't seem to go anywhere... and I just wind up hurt. I know I'm rambling now but I need to get this off my chest and speaking it out loud just... it never seems to get said properly. Or at least entirely. I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore...
Anyway yeah, so after that, I was even more closed in. I spent a while refusing to have feelings for anybody. Then I met a lad who seemed like someone completely different... he genuinely cared about me. We dated - for a very short time however - and for a little while I was happy. But then one day, I was in a bit of a funk, the skeletons in my closet rattling their bones, eh? And he asked to know what had happened, what was it that marked me so strongly? And here was I, thinking that this good man would be able to accept what had happened to me and perhaps, even help me finally really get over it.
Yeah right. He used it as a reason to dump me. Wasn't his problem, didn't want damaged goods. Sorry folks, but the air tight seal on this one's been broken, ain't no more good. I fall into that mentality a lot, even though I try not to. But it's difficult, whenever I grow feelings for someone that it always backfires and winds up burning me.
Can you see why I so dislike telling people what the fuck is wrong with me? Because I'm just trash with a shiny exterior, and I don't want people to throw me away.
I've spent the last... oh, year I guess, randomly hooking up with people. Sex is easy. Feelings... not so much. And you know, for a while, I was alright. I was cruising. I just had to call any of a few numbers and I knew I would have someone to come warm my bed. But come morning... they were gone. And that's when I started to realize... that's really what I wanted. I didn't care about the sex, I just... I just wanted someone to hold me.
I still want that. I so desperately want someone to love me... and not let it be a lie. I have been lied so many times. I just, I assume that what most people tell me is lies because that's usually all I get. I meet people and automatically mistrust them, and try to figure out what they want from me.
But then Tina... she cracked me open. She got past all the posturing bullshit, to the insecure, lonely woman inside. That's really what I am you know... I've been told I'm too trusting, that I love too much, give too much of myself. But it's my nature. I give myself in my entirety to those I think deserving. And over and over I have been crushed, my heart smashed to pieces.
And I pick up the shards, and do my best to put them back together again. And just when I think that things are better and I am whole... someone else comes along and shatters me. Eventually there's going to be more glue holding it together than there are actual parts of me there.
But then, why don't I just stop what I'm doing, right? Stop giving so much of myself. But I can't. Deep down I keep hoping that someone will take my heart as I give it, and finally treat it like I hope it to be. I could stop, yes. And I probably wouldn't be so hurt. But I wouldn't feel love, either. And being able to love someone is something I need. I'm a very loving person. It's why I have so many pets, because I have so much love to give but so few people to give it to. It's got to go somewhere.
I'm offering it to you, you know. Yup, you. I told I don't throw that sort of thing around, and I don't. I love Tina too. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her friendship. She is one of a handful of people who mean the world to me... and outside that, there's not really anybody at all. She, my parents, a few other family members... and if you let it happen, you.
I don't expect people to love me when I love them. I don't ask anything of those I love. I am content simply loving peacefully, and not being hurt. I'll gracefully accept if they do not return the feeling and love from the shadows, as a friend. However... that doesn't seem to work out for me. People seem to love to hurt me.
You said once that you don't want to hurt me. But you have, and whether that was on purpose on not, doesn't change the fact that you have. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold it against you. But still, please realize you are doing that. Maybe you need to figure out how on your own.
I am so confused. I just... When I feel a certain way about someone, I tell them. Straight out. Black and white. And I'd just like a black and white answer back. Right now, all I'm getting is grey. If someone can't give me a definitive yes... just, give me a no and I'll go away and stop torturing myself.
Well. I'd still torture myself. Probably for months... it's what I do best after all. I said earlier that I try to avoid the graves of the bodies I've burried. But I'm a sucker for punishment too and sometimes I just go dance on the damn things until I'm raw and bloody. Yeah, I know I make no sense. But it's quarter after 1AM now and my metaphors don't have to be coherent.
I kinda wish I could cry right now. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes but nothing is coming out.
There's a hollow ache in my chest like someone scooped my heart out.
I wish I could say I can't take this any longer. That I'm cutting it off, ending it. But I can't. I've tried... and I keep coming back. And I know I'm going to keep crawling back because my love is stubborn, and my loyalty undying. And it takes a lot to make me change my mind concerning such matters. And with things in the grey... I keep hoping there's some way for me to turn them black, turn them into a positive, into a yes.
I'm sitting here, alone in the silence. My heart is wide open, and totally accepting. I offer care, loyalty, trust, compassion, friendship... many things, but most of all my love.
Will it be accepted? Damned if I know. I'm lost in the fog of grey right now.
And now I think, it's time for me to retire to the fog of sleep. And if I'm lucky, I'll dream sweet dreams of you, and sleep the restful sleep I only seem to get when you're beside me.
Bonne nuit, mon amour...
I'm in one of those moods. Those, thoughtful moods. Ones that, if I don't keep them in check, will usually lead me to tears. I haven't cried in a very, very long time. I don't know if I can anymore, though.
This is just one of many Fridays that I've found myself spending alone lately. And tomorrow night will likely be no different. I don't mind the solitude usually, as there are really very few people out there that I actually want to be around. But those few that I do want to be around... their absence is all the more apparent.
Especially one person in particular. I know he'll never read this, not unless I show it to him. Which, if I see him again any time soon, I wouldn't mind doing. So if you're reading this Matt... hang on tight because this is going to be a wicked little bit of writing. Straight to the deepest depths of my brain and back. You said you wanted everything... this is it, because I'm thinking of you, man.
I've been told I am both ridiculously simple, and horribly complex. That I am a shallow, thoughtless, cruel person... and yet the most thoughtful, giving, caring person too. Truth being, I'm both. My surface character is a very simple person, my vanguard personality against the outside world. Strong, brutal, independent. A loner. People can't hurt me if I keep them at arm's length. And Gods know I've been hurt enough to want to avoid that.
I think there's only really one person who I allow to see deep inside of me. To whom I am completely open, completely truthful, completely... complete. That person, would be my friend Tina. I met her a year ago, almost to the day. I started a job and she worked there too, and I remember thinking she seemed really odd, but also really cool. I wanted to get to know her - she was the only person even near my age in that workplace for one thing - but I was worried I would bother her. Eventually though, I opened up a little and one thing leading to another, we started spending more time together outside of work.
This turned into probably my most cherished friendship, the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life. And that is saying a lot. I've been... friends with enough people. But this goes deeper than that. I never saw any need to camouflage any part of myself around her. I never felt like she was judging me, or looking down on me. I gave my all to her. And in return she gave back in friendship and love.
If there's any one person in this city I'd put my life on the line for, this would be she.
I've always had a really tough time opening up to people. Whenever I did, they usually found something to dislike, to reject me for. And I have been rejected for many a thing. After a while, being pushed away because you're not quite as feminine, or because you're not obsessed with makeup or shit like that, just becomes everyday, totally normal. Why would I want to know those people anyway, right? But I've been rejected, tossed aside, by the very people I had thought would be there for me, for things that were completely out of my control anymore.
I'm not going to go into detail about it because I would be here for a very long time, but the last few years I lived with my parents were really rough years for me. It was a shitty time at home, issues with my parents, issues at school... issues with myself. I did stupid things. I was turning away the few people who seemed to tolerate me, and making those who loved me turn against me with my actions that seemed to be against them. I'm not proud of who I was back then. It's a part of my life I like to leave behind and not really mention. The skeleton in my closet, I guess. One of several.
Anyway, during those years, when I was 16 specifically, something in particular happened that marked me for the rest of my life. I'm only 20 now, but I know that that event will continue to haunt me until the day I die. You told me once that you have to bring things out in the open to help get over them. I buried that body years ago, and I'm doing my best to avoid stepping on the grave. I don't think digging it up is going to help me any. This hurts enough as it is.
Someone hurt me. Very badly. Someone that I, in my youthful innocence, had thought was there to help me. They used me, body and mind. My body healed quickly... but there's a horrific scar on my soul left behind that I know will never fade. My aggressive behavior, and anti-social ways are my way of hiding that scar and making certain nobody ever gets that close to me again. I kinda failed though, because barely two years later, I let another person into my life that hurt me just as bad.
That would be my ex-boyfriend, actually. The whole story behind that is an entire other kettle of fish, so I won't go into that either. But needless to say, he also abused me in much the same way. My body and my mind were at his mercy for a long time. A year I lived with him. A year and more I spent loving him, even when he clearly was only out to hurt me. I'm a sucker for punishment I guess...
There's another scar deep inside me left by that boy. I say boy because I certainly can't call him a man.
It took me months to get over what happened though. When someone you love with your entire being, someone who you have wrapped your existence around, doesn't even care enough to keep a roof over your head... that really fucks with your mind. I spent months floating around, just going through the motions, trying to find myself again. I had to completely reconstruct who I was and what I was living for because I had lost my previous reason for living.
I learned the hard way that relationships only work when both people are willing to put effort into it. No matter how hard I try, if the other person doesn't contribute, it's just not gonna work. It doesn't seem to go anywhere... and I just wind up hurt. I know I'm rambling now but I need to get this off my chest and speaking it out loud just... it never seems to get said properly. Or at least entirely. I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore...
Anyway yeah, so after that, I was even more closed in. I spent a while refusing to have feelings for anybody. Then I met a lad who seemed like someone completely different... he genuinely cared about me. We dated - for a very short time however - and for a little while I was happy. But then one day, I was in a bit of a funk, the skeletons in my closet rattling their bones, eh? And he asked to know what had happened, what was it that marked me so strongly? And here was I, thinking that this good man would be able to accept what had happened to me and perhaps, even help me finally really get over it.
Yeah right. He used it as a reason to dump me. Wasn't his problem, didn't want damaged goods. Sorry folks, but the air tight seal on this one's been broken, ain't no more good. I fall into that mentality a lot, even though I try not to. But it's difficult, whenever I grow feelings for someone that it always backfires and winds up burning me.
Can you see why I so dislike telling people what the fuck is wrong with me? Because I'm just trash with a shiny exterior, and I don't want people to throw me away.
I've spent the last... oh, year I guess, randomly hooking up with people. Sex is easy. Feelings... not so much. And you know, for a while, I was alright. I was cruising. I just had to call any of a few numbers and I knew I would have someone to come warm my bed. But come morning... they were gone. And that's when I started to realize... that's really what I wanted. I didn't care about the sex, I just... I just wanted someone to hold me.
I still want that. I so desperately want someone to love me... and not let it be a lie. I have been lied so many times. I just, I assume that what most people tell me is lies because that's usually all I get. I meet people and automatically mistrust them, and try to figure out what they want from me.
But then Tina... she cracked me open. She got past all the posturing bullshit, to the insecure, lonely woman inside. That's really what I am you know... I've been told I'm too trusting, that I love too much, give too much of myself. But it's my nature. I give myself in my entirety to those I think deserving. And over and over I have been crushed, my heart smashed to pieces.
And I pick up the shards, and do my best to put them back together again. And just when I think that things are better and I am whole... someone else comes along and shatters me. Eventually there's going to be more glue holding it together than there are actual parts of me there.
But then, why don't I just stop what I'm doing, right? Stop giving so much of myself. But I can't. Deep down I keep hoping that someone will take my heart as I give it, and finally treat it like I hope it to be. I could stop, yes. And I probably wouldn't be so hurt. But I wouldn't feel love, either. And being able to love someone is something I need. I'm a very loving person. It's why I have so many pets, because I have so much love to give but so few people to give it to. It's got to go somewhere.
I'm offering it to you, you know. Yup, you. I told I don't throw that sort of thing around, and I don't. I love Tina too. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her friendship. She is one of a handful of people who mean the world to me... and outside that, there's not really anybody at all. She, my parents, a few other family members... and if you let it happen, you.
I don't expect people to love me when I love them. I don't ask anything of those I love. I am content simply loving peacefully, and not being hurt. I'll gracefully accept if they do not return the feeling and love from the shadows, as a friend. However... that doesn't seem to work out for me. People seem to love to hurt me.
You said once that you don't want to hurt me. But you have, and whether that was on purpose on not, doesn't change the fact that you have. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold it against you. But still, please realize you are doing that. Maybe you need to figure out how on your own.
I am so confused. I just... When I feel a certain way about someone, I tell them. Straight out. Black and white. And I'd just like a black and white answer back. Right now, all I'm getting is grey. If someone can't give me a definitive yes... just, give me a no and I'll go away and stop torturing myself.
Well. I'd still torture myself. Probably for months... it's what I do best after all. I said earlier that I try to avoid the graves of the bodies I've burried. But I'm a sucker for punishment too and sometimes I just go dance on the damn things until I'm raw and bloody. Yeah, I know I make no sense. But it's quarter after 1AM now and my metaphors don't have to be coherent.
I kinda wish I could cry right now. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes but nothing is coming out.
There's a hollow ache in my chest like someone scooped my heart out.
I wish I could say I can't take this any longer. That I'm cutting it off, ending it. But I can't. I've tried... and I keep coming back. And I know I'm going to keep crawling back because my love is stubborn, and my loyalty undying. And it takes a lot to make me change my mind concerning such matters. And with things in the grey... I keep hoping there's some way for me to turn them black, turn them into a positive, into a yes.
I'm sitting here, alone in the silence. My heart is wide open, and totally accepting. I offer care, loyalty, trust, compassion, friendship... many things, but most of all my love.
Will it be accepted? Damned if I know. I'm lost in the fog of grey right now.
And now I think, it's time for me to retire to the fog of sleep. And if I'm lucky, I'll dream sweet dreams of you, and sleep the restful sleep I only seem to get when you're beside me.
Bonne nuit, mon amour...